"It's COLLEGE. Make MISTAKES. Make the same mistake TWICE because it is too good to only make once. FORGIVE others. Forgive yourself. Forget things. PARTY on a weekday. PARTY HARDER on the weekends. Forget that you partied at all. Get SICK. Get so sick that you don't remember how you got sick. Skip CLASS. Watch movies instead of doing homework. Stay up all night before a final. Be SPONTANEOUS. Make PLANS. Break plans. LOVE. Get ATTACHED. Get JEALOUS. Fall hard. BREAK HEARTS and get your HEART BROKEN. Cry. CRY harder than you ever have, then LAUGH at it later. Laugh so hard you can't stop. Have MOMENTS that you wish would never end. Have moments you wish never began. Have conversations that you'll NEVER FORGET. Have conversations without saying a word. Say the WRONG thing at the wrong time. Get angry. Be CONFUSED. It will all become clear eventually. It's COLLEGE."

Flames & Firestorms tentative playlist
Oxford Comma :: Vampire Weekend
Pumpkin Soup :: Kate Nash
West Coast :: Coconut Records
Mr. Pitiful :: Matt Costa
*Flightless Bird, American Mouth :: Iron & Wine
No Children :: the Mountain Goats
California On My Mind :: Wild Light
In This City :: Iglu & Hartley
*Somedays :: Regina Spektor
*Where Nobody Knows :: Kings of Leon
*Dirt Room :: Blue October
Change :: Justin King
Glittering Cloud :: Imogen Heap
Love Always Remains :: MGMT
Spiralling :: Keane
Hang Me Up To Dry :: Cold War Kids
Books From Boxes :: Maximo Park
You Make It Real :: James Morrison
Everything's Just Wonderful :: Lily Allen
Sunday Mornings (demo) :: Maroon 5
0% Interest :: Jason Mraz
*If There's A Rocket, Tie Me To It :: Snow Patrol

From Paul today, via facebook IM:

Out of the closets and into the museums, libraries, architectural monuments, concert halls, bookstores, recording studios and film studios of the world. Everything belongs to the inspired and dedicated thief... Words, colors, light, sounds, stone, wood, bronze belong to the living artist. They belong to anyone who can use them. Loot the Louver! A bas l Originality, the sterile and assertive ego that imprisons us as it creates. Vive le sol -- pure, shameless, total. We are not responsible. Steal anything in sight.

William S. Burroughs

Another funny thing to share...I love the InterWebs!

Inquiry:
What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

**********************************************************************

Response:
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

Geoff sent me this, so I thought I'd share it...hilarious!

*** Girlfriend Potential Test ***
Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test.

Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:
a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.'
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.

Q4. We're having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.

Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.'
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.

Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.

Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.

Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in your mouth is sexy.

Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.

Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies.

Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense.

Q7. Chest hair is gross.

Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.

Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course.

Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.

Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)

Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.

Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city?

Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.

Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): 'Down to Earth', 'Have a sense of humor' and 'Laid back'. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid 'head games.'


Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don't forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full).

This entire situation made me laugh a lot at the time, and continues to make my heart smile right now, so I'm going to share it!... This entire thing happened via email, over the course of about an hour...

********************************

Kind of new to Miami - 32 (Miami)
Reply to: pers-938276881@craigslist.org [?]Date: 2008-11-29, 3:33PM EST

About me
I grew up in Boston, I live down here now. Work moved me down here from NYC, then I decided to stay because of the weather and because people in Miami always obey traffic laws. I'm looking for new people to corrupt me, steal from me, take advantage of me, possibly in a dark alley but only if the chemistry is right.

I'm really looking for a girl with a lot of issues and baggage. Maybe a psycho ex boyfriend. Maybe you just got out of a relationship and you're not over your ex. I'll even settle for mildly interesting conversation at this point. I like to set the bar low in my relationships so there are never any dissapointments.

If you are a female, have all or even most of your teeth, educated, practice good hygiene habits, enjoy food (preferably in moderation as I like to exercise, however if you don't eat at all that's not good). If you feel you fit this profile, or any part of it, by all means write to me. I'll have my assistant respond to you.

Thank you
Insert Name Here

For Fun:
I'm a raging booze hound. For fun I like to drink and make fun of others with my friends. I'm kidding, my friends don't join in.

My education:
I have lots of it, I don't feel as though I'm putting my degree to good use. Clearly this ad shows that.

Favorite Things:
Family Guy, coffee, people that get mad at me when I can't understand what they're saying to me in Spanish. Oh, I also want to be able to speak spanish and I'm anxious to learn so it would help if you spoke Spanish. If you don't speak any english and I don't speak any spanish I'm not sure how a relationship could work. Well that's not true, it works in movies and movies are never fake.

********************************

alesheia.hakester@gmail.com to pers-938276881 Dec 2
Why hello, Insert Name Here! Back in Michigan (where I resided prior to Miami Beach), my roommates & I used to enjoy looking at CraigsList personals because they never failed to make us laugh. In boredom tonight I decided that I needed to bring back a little tradition. Subsequently, I felt it important to tell you how pleasant your post was! It's probably a bunch of your friends pasting your picture on a fake pseudo-profile or something, but kudos to whoever did it! Particularly the choice to stay in Miami "for the weather and because people in Miami always obey traffic laws." (Superb intro.) I don't have enough emotional baggage to fly trans-Atlantic, but if you want to Rosetta Stone some Spanish sometime, have your assistant email my people! Best of luck!

********************************
Glad I could entertain. The ad was all me. Pure boredom mixed with a mind numbing hangover created it.

********************************
Well, I loved it! I'm happy that witty people actually do exist in Cuba..

********************************
The hate mail alone was worth writing the ad. Apparently few people appreciate my sarcastic whit. Fuck em if they can't take a joke. I believe it was ghandi that coined that phrase

********************************
I believe you're right...though he was more than likely paraphrasing something Max Beemis said on an early Say Anything album. Haha, were people a little hyper-sensative about your love for a good psycho ex?

********************************
The more classic responses...
This raging douche bag that said my comments about getting taken advantage of in a dark alley made me sound like a rapist. I responded from an anonymous email that I know who she is and I've seen where she sleeps.

A guy that wrote I was narrow minded in my comments about the spanish language. Again anonymously I responded that I couldn't tell from his tone if he was a mexican wet back or a castro loving cuban. But either way english speaking catholics are the only ones that go to heaven.

So many people to mess with, such little time

********************************
I get that it's pretty much what I was doing, but who sits around & reads CraigsList personals just to bitch about political correctness!? If they want something up their ass, I'm sure there's a cornfield someplace within a days drive...And, um, it's not just Catholics! Good Southern Baptists are Holy, too..

********************************
Whatever when I get to the pearly gates I'm going to run the show like a night club. Only the pretty people will get in.

And forget cornfields. This is craigslist if u want something up your ass you can pay for it here!

********************************
That's the most of it...all in all, just an entertaining way to spend an hour of night!

Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
It’s a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know what’s not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That’s not natural.
But we've got pills for that.
We’re dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but we’re putting people in jail for smoking something that grows in the dirt?

You know we have more prescription drugs now...
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?”
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I don’t even know what the commercial is…
There's people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
I’m like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.

The schools now… It is all about self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kids’ self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip clubs?
What’s gonna happen to our porno industry?
These women don’t just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk daddys missing a lot of dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the Internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?

'Masterminds' are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these terrorists 'masterminds' that are being killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
'Mastermind' is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don’t you think?
They’re not masterminds.
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?”
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just…”
“Who’s the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?”

Americans, let’s face it: We’ve been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. Obesity. They say we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio. Like we’ll be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
“How’d you get through it grandpa?”
“Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.”

Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
I’ll sit at a drive thru.
I’ll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, want a jumbo fry? Wanna go large? Want a biggie fry?
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There’s room in the bag - Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It’s only three more cents!

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed later in life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there’d be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You've gotta spend a long time stuffed in your own locker with your underwear wedged up your ass before you start to think,
“You’ll see. I’m going to take over the world with computers! I’ll show them.”

We’re in one of the richest countries in the world,
and the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was just going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, "that’s what I’m going to use it on".
Why am I judging this poor bastard?
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they’re just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He’s homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day...
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says "why don’t you go get a job, you bum?".
People always say that to homeless guys, get a job, like it's that easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
I’m guessing his resume isn’t all up to date.
I’m predicting some problems during the interview process.
I’m pretty sure even McDonalds has a “underwear goes inside the pants” policy.
Not that they enforce it very strictly, but technically I’m sure it's on the books.

"Underwear Go Inside the Pants" -Lazyboy

I got this email from Martin that reminded me this thing even existed. I've been using LiveJournal (not often, but more recently than this), so I kinda forgot about this one. In fact, only moments ago I sent out a mass email to the people that I have another blog with. Hopefully we can get cranking on that again! And it would be cool to start one of these things for my lit class, and maybe Biology. Bio especially, because then it could be like a study tool. Lit I suppose as well, because we could discuss stories or things that we don't get. Cool...I'm having fun with this idea! Anyway, things are fairly swell (as swell as life allows nowadays I suppose) and I have to be up in only a few more hours but I'm still wired on uberstrong coffee from Yesterdog...so on that note...I bid thee farewell!