Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
It’s a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know what’s not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That’s not natural.
But we've got pills for that.
We’re dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but we’re putting people in jail for smoking something that grows in the dirt?

You know we have more prescription drugs now...
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?”
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I don’t even know what the commercial is…
There's people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
I’m like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.

The schools now… It is all about self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kids’ self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip clubs?
What’s gonna happen to our porno industry?
These women don’t just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk daddys missing a lot of dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the Internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?

'Masterminds' are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these terrorists 'masterminds' that are being killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
'Mastermind' is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don’t you think?
They’re not masterminds.
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?”
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just…”
“Who’s the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?”

Americans, let’s face it: We’ve been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. Obesity. They say we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio. Like we’ll be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
“How’d you get through it grandpa?”
“Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.”

Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
I’ll sit at a drive thru.
I’ll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, want a jumbo fry? Wanna go large? Want a biggie fry?
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There’s room in the bag - Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It’s only three more cents!

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed later in life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there’d be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You've gotta spend a long time stuffed in your own locker with your underwear wedged up your ass before you start to think,
“You’ll see. I’m going to take over the world with computers! I’ll show them.”

We’re in one of the richest countries in the world,
and the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was just going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, "that’s what I’m going to use it on".
Why am I judging this poor bastard?
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they’re just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He’s homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day...
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says "why don’t you go get a job, you bum?".
People always say that to homeless guys, get a job, like it's that easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
I’m guessing his resume isn’t all up to date.
I’m predicting some problems during the interview process.
I’m pretty sure even McDonalds has a “underwear goes inside the pants” policy.
Not that they enforce it very strictly, but technically I’m sure it's on the books.

"Underwear Go Inside the Pants" -Lazyboy